Never in American history has there been an invention that can so easily turn the average person into a Jackass than the cell phone. It can happen to any of us. Follow these rules to lessen the chances of being an idiot.
1. Never play a ring tone just for fun.
I don't care that you have the Super Mario Bros. theme song play whenever your boss calls. I am sure I will hear it many times, there is no reason to play if for me now.
2. Texting someone else while talking to me is kind of a dick move.
How often have you been engaged in a conversation with someone only to have them pull their phone out of their pocket and start pressing a mad series of buttons? Do they think that we don't notice?
3. Understand what you look like when you take a picture of yourself with your camera-phone.
You look like an asshole with your arm stretched out and your head thrown back. Not to mention how conceited you look letting everyone see that you want a picture of yourself for your phone's background.
4. Never be the only one with a cell phone out.
If you look around the room and you are the only one sifting through your backlog of text messages or playing the latest edition of Tetris, there is a good chance that everyone else in the room is making a mental not of what an ass you are.
5. A cell phone should never go off inappropriately more than once in any given situation.
Have you ever been in a meeting only to start hearing a midi rendition of the Starsky and Hutch theme? You look over to see Sally from accounting digging through her bag in an effort to stop the noise as quickly as possible. She does, but seems incredibly embarrassed. At this point - EVERYONE in the room should be silently checking to make sure their phone is on vibrate. If another persons phone makes a sound - immediately end the meeting and kick that person's ass.
Friday, August 10, 2007
How not to be a Jackass at your Nephew's Graduation
Other than a baby shower, there is nothing worse than having to go to a distant relatives graduation. But that is no reason to make the event worse on the people around you. Understand these simple truths and you just might make it out with a little dignity.
1. No, you can't leave after his name has been called.
There is no graceful way to make an early exit. Suck it up and deal with the inevitability of the loss of 3 hours of your life.
2. Never give a pen as a graduation gift - only give money.
Do you remember graduating at all? Always give cash (not checks - those are too easy to use responsibly).
3. Don't point out the girls you "hope are 18".
This is the final step to becoming "that guy".
4. Don't draw on the program.
You are going to set it down someplace and forget where you left it. Do you really want your drawings of dive-bombing planes and stick figures with boobs lying around?
5. Don't take pictures of the graduation with your cell phone.
Nothing says "I don't care about this moment at all" than using what amounts to a novelty camera to capture the moment.
1. No, you can't leave after his name has been called.
There is no graceful way to make an early exit. Suck it up and deal with the inevitability of the loss of 3 hours of your life.
2. Never give a pen as a graduation gift - only give money.
Do you remember graduating at all? Always give cash (not checks - those are too easy to use responsibly).
3. Don't point out the girls you "hope are 18".
This is the final step to becoming "that guy".
4. Don't draw on the program.
You are going to set it down someplace and forget where you left it. Do you really want your drawings of dive-bombing planes and stick figures with boobs lying around?
5. Don't take pictures of the graduation with your cell phone.
Nothing says "I don't care about this moment at all" than using what amounts to a novelty camera to capture the moment.
How not to be a Jackass if you are a SuperVillan bent on World Domination
So there you are - the world is ready, evil plans are in place, no one sees it coming- don't ruin it now by being stupid. Follow these rules and actually be the one that gets to rule the world. You can't possibly do any worse than the guys in charge now.
1. Don't hire dumbasses to be your henchmen.
Too many plans have been foiled because one of your guards has heard a noise and decided to investigate it all by themselves without telling anyone that something suspicious has occurred. Make sure your minions can at least keep their heads on a swivel.
2. If you have only one weakness, keep it on the down-low.
If you know that getting hit in the stomach makes you give up - don't let anyone know. The good guys ALWAYS find out somehow.
3. Don't use bio-weapons.
They don't work and you always end up having some sort of accident. Stick to bullets - those don't mutate.
4. Consider carefully when choosing your Number Two.
If your sidekick is the only one you trust - don't blame him when things go wrong or beat him up when the hero gets away. There is a good chance you might need him later on and it would be better to have him keep some semblance of loyalty.
5. It is way cooler if you DON'T tell everyone the complete details of your plans for world domination.
Real bad-asses don't banter. They have an eye for detail and know where to apply the pressure. Calling up the cops and telling them how your going to destroy Manhattan just makes you look like your mother didn't pay enough attention to you when you were little.
1. Don't hire dumbasses to be your henchmen.
Too many plans have been foiled because one of your guards has heard a noise and decided to investigate it all by themselves without telling anyone that something suspicious has occurred. Make sure your minions can at least keep their heads on a swivel.
2. If you have only one weakness, keep it on the down-low.
If you know that getting hit in the stomach makes you give up - don't let anyone know. The good guys ALWAYS find out somehow.
3. Don't use bio-weapons.
They don't work and you always end up having some sort of accident. Stick to bullets - those don't mutate.
4. Consider carefully when choosing your Number Two.
If your sidekick is the only one you trust - don't blame him when things go wrong or beat him up when the hero gets away. There is a good chance you might need him later on and it would be better to have him keep some semblance of loyalty.
5. It is way cooler if you DON'T tell everyone the complete details of your plans for world domination.
Real bad-asses don't banter. They have an eye for detail and know where to apply the pressure. Calling up the cops and telling them how your going to destroy Manhattan just makes you look like your mother didn't pay enough attention to you when you were little.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
How not to be a Jackass in an Elevator
Hell should truly be defined as a 5'x5' metal box suspended in mid-air by unseen cables and crammed with people that you have absolutely no desire to have a conversation with. Help me make it a bit more bearable by following a few simple rules.
1. Dude, hold the door.
You see me coming - and although I know you would rather have the big box all to yourself so you can read the maximum occupancy certificate or check your complexion in the mirror, do the world a favor and hold the door for me. Perhaps later on someone will do the same for you.
2. Do you really need to take the elevator one floor?
Nothing is worse than having my 30 floor journey to the lobby interrupted so you can be saved from walking down a total of 10 steps. If you are the kind of person that does this, there is a decent chance that you could use the exercise anyway.
3. There really is no need to talk.
I think a majority of us have got this one down - but for the rest of you - please don't talk. We are just making fools of ourselves.
2. Watch your baggage.
In the hierarchy of fitting into a small space - people are above bags. If the box is getting full, move your luggage.
1. It is insulting to hit the lobby button if I have already hit the lobby button.
C'mon - you can clearly see that the button is glowing - are you under the impression that the button has to be pressed for each person in the elevator? It doesn't.
1. Dude, hold the door.
You see me coming - and although I know you would rather have the big box all to yourself so you can read the maximum occupancy certificate or check your complexion in the mirror, do the world a favor and hold the door for me. Perhaps later on someone will do the same for you.
2. Do you really need to take the elevator one floor?
Nothing is worse than having my 30 floor journey to the lobby interrupted so you can be saved from walking down a total of 10 steps. If you are the kind of person that does this, there is a decent chance that you could use the exercise anyway.
3. There really is no need to talk.
I think a majority of us have got this one down - but for the rest of you - please don't talk. We are just making fools of ourselves.
2. Watch your baggage.
In the hierarchy of fitting into a small space - people are above bags. If the box is getting full, move your luggage.
1. It is insulting to hit the lobby button if I have already hit the lobby button.
C'mon - you can clearly see that the button is glowing - are you under the impression that the button has to be pressed for each person in the elevator? It doesn't.
How not to be a Jackass in a Supermarket
I hate grocery shopping. Hell, we all do. The least we can do is know that we are in it together, and follow a few simple rules to make the world a better place.
1. Don't be a dick with the self checkout.
We all know the line is short because your only supposed to have a few items. Don't be the guy who has 2 carts full of crap in the self checkout line. Leave it for the guy with batteries and band-aids. That way, the next time all you need is some milk for your Fruity Pebbles, you won't get stuck behind Sally Six-Carts and the Coupon Cavalcade.
2. Don't leave your cart in the middle of the damn aisle.
Carts don't strafe. It is a bitch to move them out of the way so don't park them in the middle where only an Ethiopian on a diet can get by.
3. Don't be the guy who pays for EVERYTHING at the tire lube.
I know they have a register there, and I know technically they don't mind checking out the few items you got while they were changing your oil - just don't be an ass about it. Keep it to only a handful of items.
4. No one really uses checks anymore.
Get a debit card like the rest of us. Otherwise I am stuck watching the 16 year old cashier try to find your drivers license number as I slowly watch condensation build on my half gallon of chocolate milk.
5. If you don't want it, put it back where it goes.
You know, some poor son of a bitch has to go around putting all that shit back. Score yourself a little positive Karma and put the Oreo's back in the cookie aisle.
1. Don't be a dick with the self checkout.
We all know the line is short because your only supposed to have a few items. Don't be the guy who has 2 carts full of crap in the self checkout line. Leave it for the guy with batteries and band-aids. That way, the next time all you need is some milk for your Fruity Pebbles, you won't get stuck behind Sally Six-Carts and the Coupon Cavalcade.
2. Don't leave your cart in the middle of the damn aisle.
Carts don't strafe. It is a bitch to move them out of the way so don't park them in the middle where only an Ethiopian on a diet can get by.
3. Don't be the guy who pays for EVERYTHING at the tire lube.
I know they have a register there, and I know technically they don't mind checking out the few items you got while they were changing your oil - just don't be an ass about it. Keep it to only a handful of items.
4. No one really uses checks anymore.
Get a debit card like the rest of us. Otherwise I am stuck watching the 16 year old cashier try to find your drivers license number as I slowly watch condensation build on my half gallon of chocolate milk.
5. If you don't want it, put it back where it goes.
You know, some poor son of a bitch has to go around putting all that shit back. Score yourself a little positive Karma and put the Oreo's back in the cookie aisle.
How Not to be a Jackass while Driving
After many years driving on America's roads I have come to the conclusion that approximately 90% of drivers on the road today are jackasses. Of all the problems facing the country in this day and age - it would seem to me that we can at least get behind a few simple rules on how not to drive like a retard.
1. Understand that failure to use your turn signal can completely ruin my day.
I don't know how many times it has happened where I have been minding my own business, trying to make a right hand turn out of a busy intersection, when all of a sudden a fast moving Audi that I THOUGHT would prevent me from finally getting to leave work makes a quick right into the gas station 30 yards down the road. It is one of the few times I wish I had the power to slash tires with my emotions.
2. Know what it means to drive in the left hand lane.
For some reason a large percentage of drivers are under the impression that there are two-lane roads simply so two cars can ride side by side at 5 miles below the speed limit. The left hand lane is for going FAST. I mean, c'mon, they even wrote a song about it - "Life in the Fast Lane".
3. Don't be a douche if you know I am trying to merge.
Seriously. I know you see me. Just let me on the damn highway.
4. Only use the middle finger if the person SERIOUSLY deserves it.
Far too many times I have been minding my own business, listening to the radio, maybe belting out a note or two when all of a sudden a Volvo driver flies by me and gives me the bird and I have NO IDEA what I have done to deserve it. If you give me the finger - we should BOTH know what it was for. Otherwise how can I raise my hand and mutter an apathetic "my bad" that you can't hear?
5. If you can't parallel park, don't parallel park.
Friday night rush hour in downtown traffic is not the place to learn. If you can't do it - don't do it. Hell - they even have cars that will do it for you now. Spend the money and save us all the 2 hour wait as you give it "one more try".
1. Understand that failure to use your turn signal can completely ruin my day.
I don't know how many times it has happened where I have been minding my own business, trying to make a right hand turn out of a busy intersection, when all of a sudden a fast moving Audi that I THOUGHT would prevent me from finally getting to leave work makes a quick right into the gas station 30 yards down the road. It is one of the few times I wish I had the power to slash tires with my emotions.
2. Know what it means to drive in the left hand lane.
For some reason a large percentage of drivers are under the impression that there are two-lane roads simply so two cars can ride side by side at 5 miles below the speed limit. The left hand lane is for going FAST. I mean, c'mon, they even wrote a song about it - "Life in the Fast Lane".
3. Don't be a douche if you know I am trying to merge.
Seriously. I know you see me. Just let me on the damn highway.
4. Only use the middle finger if the person SERIOUSLY deserves it.
Far too many times I have been minding my own business, listening to the radio, maybe belting out a note or two when all of a sudden a Volvo driver flies by me and gives me the bird and I have NO IDEA what I have done to deserve it. If you give me the finger - we should BOTH know what it was for. Otherwise how can I raise my hand and mutter an apathetic "my bad" that you can't hear?
5. If you can't parallel park, don't parallel park.
Friday night rush hour in downtown traffic is not the place to learn. If you can't do it - don't do it. Hell - they even have cars that will do it for you now. Spend the money and save us all the 2 hour wait as you give it "one more try".
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Rules for trying to get someone hooked on your favorite TV show
Can you believe it? They actually don't watch it. You have told them like 20 times how good it is. You have given your own personal guarantee that it is the best show they will ever see in their entire lives. And they still won't watch it. You're getting desperate - but follow these rules to not be a JackAss.
1. Don't recite the entire first episode for them.
I know you want to tell them all about the plane crash on Lost - but you trying to describe the million dollar set and following up each quote with "But he's got this look on his face" will only make them not want to watch the show even more.
2. Don't ever say "I don't want to ruin it for you, but I have to tell you this one thing."
You are ruining it for them.
3. Never ask them if they are planning on watching it.
"So there was this one part - wait - are you planning on watching it?" First of all, they are going to say yes for the simple fact they want you to shut the hell up. Secondly, you are going to tell them anyway even though they don't want you to. That makes you a double JackAss.
4. After recommending the show once - never do so again.
One shot - that's all you get. Keep hounding someone to watch your show and they will feel like its a job. Ask once and drop until they bring it up to you.
5. If you are in a group with people discussing the show - don't rat out the guy who doesn't watch it.
"oh - don't say anything more - Jeff here is a loser and doesn't watch Amazing Race". That may be good for a few dropped jaws and "are you serious?" remarks - but in the end - you're just a jackass.
Think I missed one? Leave a comment!
1. Don't recite the entire first episode for them.
I know you want to tell them all about the plane crash on Lost - but you trying to describe the million dollar set and following up each quote with "But he's got this look on his face" will only make them not want to watch the show even more.
2. Don't ever say "I don't want to ruin it for you, but I have to tell you this one thing."
You are ruining it for them.
3. Never ask them if they are planning on watching it.
"So there was this one part - wait - are you planning on watching it?" First of all, they are going to say yes for the simple fact they want you to shut the hell up. Secondly, you are going to tell them anyway even though they don't want you to. That makes you a double JackAss.
4. After recommending the show once - never do so again.
One shot - that's all you get. Keep hounding someone to watch your show and they will feel like its a job. Ask once and drop until they bring it up to you.
5. If you are in a group with people discussing the show - don't rat out the guy who doesn't watch it.
"oh - don't say anything more - Jeff here is a loser and doesn't watch Amazing Race". That may be good for a few dropped jaws and "are you serious?" remarks - but in the end - you're just a jackass.
Think I missed one? Leave a comment!
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