Can you believe it? They actually don't watch it. You have told them like 20 times how good it is. You have given your own personal guarantee that it is the best show they will ever see in their entire lives. And they still won't watch it. You're getting desperate - but follow these rules to not be a JackAss.
1. Don't recite the entire first episode for them.
I know you want to tell them all about the plane crash on Lost - but you trying to describe the million dollar set and following up each quote with "But he's got this look on his face" will only make them not want to watch the show even more.
2. Don't ever say "I don't want to ruin it for you, but I have to tell you this one thing."
You are ruining it for them.
3. Never ask them if they are planning on watching it.
"So there was this one part - wait - are you planning on watching it?" First of all, they are going to say yes for the simple fact they want you to shut the hell up. Secondly, you are going to tell them anyway even though they don't want you to. That makes you a double JackAss.
4. After recommending the show once - never do so again.
One shot - that's all you get. Keep hounding someone to watch your show and they will feel like its a job. Ask once and drop until they bring it up to you.
5. If you are in a group with people discussing the show - don't rat out the guy who doesn't watch it.
"oh - don't say anything more - Jeff here is a loser and doesn't watch Amazing Race". That may be good for a few dropped jaws and "are you serious?" remarks - but in the end - you're just a jackass.
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Saturday, June 23, 2007
Rules for not being a JackAss at a Party
It's happened to all of us. You are at a get together, having a few drinks, enjoying your friends; when all of a sudden someone you know becomes the mayor of DickTown. Is it you? Well, that depends - do you follow these rules?
1. Don't change CD's in the middle of a track because you "have to hear your song".
Yeah yeah, we know, listen to the words and this song is totally talking about you. The problem is, we don't care, and changing out Pink Floyd for Alanis Morissete is a serious crime.
2. If you clog the toilet - DEAL WITH IT.
The greatest injustice a person can face is walking into a bathroom to a pre-clogged toilet. If you have dropped the H -bomb - clean up the town. It is no one's problem but your own as to how you do it - only do it. For if you dont, I promise you, the poor son of a bitch who had to take care of it to save face is going to turn into the Hardy Boys and the Case of the Massive Dookie. Main Suspect? You.
3. Strip Poker just sort of happens...don't force it.
This is mainly for the men. Boys, we all want to get there, but push too hard and it just looks like your a child molester.
4. If you are by the bathroom door and hear someone throwing up - keep it to yourself.
So it appears that Joan shouldn't have had that last Irish Car Bomb. Well that is between her and the porcelain palace. Leave it be.
5. Never be the first to yawn or the last to leave.
Chances are, right about the time the third couple left is when the hosts wanted to go to bed. Give them a break - after all, you totally just clogged their toilet and trashed their home. Grab a bag of trash for them and don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Think I missed one? Leave a comment!
1. Don't change CD's in the middle of a track because you "have to hear your song".
Yeah yeah, we know, listen to the words and this song is totally talking about you. The problem is, we don't care, and changing out Pink Floyd for Alanis Morissete is a serious crime.
2. If you clog the toilet - DEAL WITH IT.
The greatest injustice a person can face is walking into a bathroom to a pre-clogged toilet. If you have dropped the H -bomb - clean up the town. It is no one's problem but your own as to how you do it - only do it. For if you dont, I promise you, the poor son of a bitch who had to take care of it to save face is going to turn into the Hardy Boys and the Case of the Massive Dookie. Main Suspect? You.
3. Strip Poker just sort of happens...don't force it.
This is mainly for the men. Boys, we all want to get there, but push too hard and it just looks like your a child molester.
4. If you are by the bathroom door and hear someone throwing up - keep it to yourself.
So it appears that Joan shouldn't have had that last Irish Car Bomb. Well that is between her and the porcelain palace. Leave it be.
5. Never be the first to yawn or the last to leave.
Chances are, right about the time the third couple left is when the hosts wanted to go to bed. Give them a break - after all, you totally just clogged their toilet and trashed their home. Grab a bag of trash for them and don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Think I missed one? Leave a comment!
How not to be a JackAss with the Remote Control
So, you're on the couch. It is a normal weekday and you perch your dirty feet on the coffee table, grab your Sun Chips and are ready to watch some syndicated Seinfeld. But - uh oh - one of your roommates has the remote. If he/she is a JackAss they are probably breaking the following rules:
1) Just keep it on something.
Okay - if you're by yourself, feel free to satisfy your ADD and skip from channel to channel at your leisure. BUT, if you are lucky enough to have the remote in a room with a couple of people - just pick something and watch it- even if it sucks. Everyone knows there is nothing on, anyway. It is better to watch one whole something that sucks rather than catching 30 seconds of 50 things that suck.
2) Don't change the channel during the commercials because you ALWAYS forget to change it back.
If you haven't joined the 20th century and do not have TiVo or DVR - then you are forced to watch a little mercantile Americana (aka commercials). This blows, I know, but if I have to watch the first half of Heroes one more time only to have some JackAss change the channel because he lacks the patience of a 7 year old - I am going to freak out.
3) It's okay to watch Nova on PBS.
You shouldn't be alarmed if you find yourself stopping on PBS and getting into a Nova special about the planet Jupiter. Its okay- everyone in the room is into it too - I promise you.
4) Taking the remote into the bathroom with you is a pretty shitty thing to do.
Not only are we trying to figure out how you WON'T get germs on it, but if we are stuck having to watch something on the WB - we will hate you forever. If you find yourself in control of the remote and have to go to the bathroom you have 2 options.
Sorry if your friends are talking through your favorite episode of Quantum Leap - but trying to drown them out with volume will only single you out as the guy they hope doesn't renew the lease.
Think I missed one? Leave a comment!
1) Just keep it on something.
Okay - if you're by yourself, feel free to satisfy your ADD and skip from channel to channel at your leisure. BUT, if you are lucky enough to have the remote in a room with a couple of people - just pick something and watch it- even if it sucks. Everyone knows there is nothing on, anyway. It is better to watch one whole something that sucks rather than catching 30 seconds of 50 things that suck.
2) Don't change the channel during the commercials because you ALWAYS forget to change it back.
If you haven't joined the 20th century and do not have TiVo or DVR - then you are forced to watch a little mercantile Americana (aka commercials). This blows, I know, but if I have to watch the first half of Heroes one more time only to have some JackAss change the channel because he lacks the patience of a 7 year old - I am going to freak out.
3) It's okay to watch Nova on PBS.
You shouldn't be alarmed if you find yourself stopping on PBS and getting into a Nova special about the planet Jupiter. Its okay- everyone in the room is into it too - I promise you.
4) Taking the remote into the bathroom with you is a pretty shitty thing to do.
Not only are we trying to figure out how you WON'T get germs on it, but if we are stuck having to watch something on the WB - we will hate you forever. If you find yourself in control of the remote and have to go to the bathroom you have 2 options.
a) give up the remote5) If a conversation starts in the room - don't turn the volume up on the TV.
b) entrust the remote to someone you KNOW will give it back or will at least "give you the comfy chair for it"
Sorry if your friends are talking through your favorite episode of Quantum Leap - but trying to drown them out with volume will only single you out as the guy they hope doesn't renew the lease.
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Friday, June 22, 2007
How Not to be a JackAss when Making a Toast
Well - you know who you are. It's your best friend's wedding. Your the Best Man or Maid of Honor, and you decide it would be a good idea not to "prepare" anything - but just speak from your heart. Smooth move, JackAss. Follow these rules next time, and everything will end up all right.
1) Only toast in another language if you understand what you are saying.
Nothing will take the sentiment out of a toast then finishing it off in bad Spanish. If you are going to do it, run the words by the kitchen staff and make sure you aren't telling everyone you have crabs.
2) Do not under any circumstances recite song lyrics or movie dialogue in your toast.
This is a blanket rule that extends from "You are the wind beneath my wings" to "Toga! Toga! Toga!"
3) Sit down and shut up.
Nothing is worse than hearing about what Todd did that one night and it was really funny but I guess you had to be there. No one cares - let them drink and continue judging everyone around them. That is what these events are for.
4) If you don't have a drink to raise - don't just raise your hand because you think it looks cute. You look like an ass.
Hey man, if I have to hold my glass of $4 a bottle champagne in the air - then so do you. Otherwise we are just looking at your pit stains.
5) Try to toast before the prayer.
That way, it was Father Gianelli that made their food get cold and not you. You are a jackass for doing it - but only you will know how big a jackass you are for the time being.
Think I missed one? Leave a comment!
1) Only toast in another language if you understand what you are saying.
Nothing will take the sentiment out of a toast then finishing it off in bad Spanish. If you are going to do it, run the words by the kitchen staff and make sure you aren't telling everyone you have crabs.
2) Do not under any circumstances recite song lyrics or movie dialogue in your toast.
This is a blanket rule that extends from "You are the wind beneath my wings" to "Toga! Toga! Toga!"
3) Sit down and shut up.
Nothing is worse than hearing about what Todd did that one night and it was really funny but I guess you had to be there. No one cares - let them drink and continue judging everyone around them. That is what these events are for.
4) If you don't have a drink to raise - don't just raise your hand because you think it looks cute. You look like an ass.
Hey man, if I have to hold my glass of $4 a bottle champagne in the air - then so do you. Otherwise we are just looking at your pit stains.
5) Try to toast before the prayer.
That way, it was Father Gianelli that made their food get cold and not you. You are a jackass for doing it - but only you will know how big a jackass you are for the time being.
Think I missed one? Leave a comment!
How Not to be a Jackass when Meeting New People in a Bar
If you are a jackass - and let's face it - you probably are, there is a good chance that you don't want to be. If that is the case - here is a step by step manual on how not to be a jackass when meeting people for the first time.
1. Always get introductions out of the way before you start drinking.
A common mess up with the average jackass is they often like to come to your table at a bar and start trying to strike up a conversation. They will usually begin with a benign reference to the music that is playing or an event on television. The most brazen of the jackasses, we will call him (it's always a him) the Uber-Jackass, may even come up and express to you their love of hardcore partying. 9 times out of 10 - they are returning to their seat from the bathroom and have accidentally come to your table by mistake and they don't want to look like a douche-bag.
2. If you have been drinking prior to the introduction, don't inform your new aquaintance of the number of beers you have already had.
This is a common tool of the "excuse Jackass" - the kind of individual who never takes blame for unreturned phone calls or forgetting to leave his share of the gas bill. This will be used when the Jackass has accidentally called you by the wrong name and wishes to blame the insult on how "smashed" they are.
3. Only sing along with the music if EVERYONE at the table is as well.
There are 3 exceptions to this rule -
1) Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
2) Hotel California - Eagles
3) I Will Survive - Cake or Gloria Gaynor
These songs must be sung - we're simply wired that way from birth.
4. If someone you just met is not drinking - don't be the guy that points it out.
Too many awkward pregnancy revelations to count. Just let it be - that just means there is more liquor for the rest of us.
5. When sitting on the outside of a booth - don't hassle the person on the inside when they have to pee.
We've all been stuck on the inside, and noone likes the guy who makes the "no, I'm not getting up" joke. If you have ever done this, I am sorry to tell you that you are a jackass.
Avoid the above pitfalls and you just might make it out with a little dignity. God Speed.
Think I missed one? Leave a comment!
1. Always get introductions out of the way before you start drinking.
A common mess up with the average jackass is they often like to come to your table at a bar and start trying to strike up a conversation. They will usually begin with a benign reference to the music that is playing or an event on television. The most brazen of the jackasses, we will call him (it's always a him) the Uber-Jackass, may even come up and express to you their love of hardcore partying. 9 times out of 10 - they are returning to their seat from the bathroom and have accidentally come to your table by mistake and they don't want to look like a douche-bag.
2. If you have been drinking prior to the introduction, don't inform your new aquaintance of the number of beers you have already had.
This is a common tool of the "excuse Jackass" - the kind of individual who never takes blame for unreturned phone calls or forgetting to leave his share of the gas bill. This will be used when the Jackass has accidentally called you by the wrong name and wishes to blame the insult on how "smashed" they are.
3. Only sing along with the music if EVERYONE at the table is as well.
There are 3 exceptions to this rule -
1) Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
2) Hotel California - Eagles
3) I Will Survive - Cake or Gloria Gaynor
These songs must be sung - we're simply wired that way from birth.
4. If someone you just met is not drinking - don't be the guy that points it out.
Too many awkward pregnancy revelations to count. Just let it be - that just means there is more liquor for the rest of us.
5. When sitting on the outside of a booth - don't hassle the person on the inside when they have to pee.
We've all been stuck on the inside, and noone likes the guy who makes the "no, I'm not getting up" joke. If you have ever done this, I am sorry to tell you that you are a jackass.
Avoid the above pitfalls and you just might make it out with a little dignity. God Speed.
Think I missed one? Leave a comment!
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