How Not to be a Jackass when Meeting New People in a Bar

If you are a jackass - and let's face it - you probably are, there is a good chance that you don't want to be. If that is the case - here is a step by step manual on how not to be a jackass when meeting people for the first time.


1. Always get introductions out of the way before you start drinking.

A common mess up with the average jackass is they often like to come to your table at a bar and start trying to strike up a conversation. They will usually begin with a benign reference to the music that is playing or an event on television. The most brazen of the jackasses, we will call him (it's always a him) the Uber-Jackass, may even come up and express to you their love of hardcore partying. 9 times out of 10 - they are returning to their seat from the bathroom and have accidentally come to your table by mistake and they don't want to look like a douche-bag.

2. If you have been drinking prior to the introduction, don't inform your new aquaintance of the number of beers you have already had.

This is a common tool of the "excuse Jackass" - the kind of individual who never takes blame for unreturned phone calls or forgetting to leave his share of the gas bill. This will be used when the Jackass has accidentally called you by the wrong name and wishes to blame the insult on how "smashed" they are.

3. Only sing along with the music if EVERYONE at the table is as well.

There are 3 exceptions to this rule -

1) Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
2) Hotel California - Eagles
3) I Will Survive - Cake or Gloria Gaynor

These songs must be sung - we're simply wired that way from birth.

4. If someone you just met is not drinking - don't be the guy that points it out.

Too many awkward pregnancy revelations to count. Just let it be - that just means there is more liquor for the rest of us.

5. When sitting on the outside of a booth - don't hassle the person on the inside when they have to pee.

We've all been stuck on the inside, and noone likes the guy who makes the "no, I'm not getting up" joke. If you have ever done this, I am sorry to tell you that you are a jackass.

Avoid the above pitfalls and you just might make it out with a little dignity. God Speed.

Think I missed one? Leave a comment!