How Not to be a Jackass while Driving

After many years driving on America's roads I have come to the conclusion that approximately 90% of drivers on the road today are jackasses. Of all the problems facing the country in this day and age - it would seem to me that we can at least get behind a few simple rules on how not to drive like a retard.

1. Understand that failure to use your turn signal can completely ruin my day.

I don't know how many times it has happened where I have been minding my own business, trying to make a right hand turn out of a busy intersection, when all of a sudden a fast moving Audi that I THOUGHT would prevent me from finally getting to leave work makes a quick right into the gas station 30 yards down the road. It is one of the few times I wish I had the power to slash tires with my emotions.

2. Know what it means to drive in the left hand lane.

For some reason a large percentage of drivers are under the impression that there are two-lane roads simply so two cars can ride side by side at 5 miles below the speed limit. The left hand lane is for going FAST. I mean, c'mon, they even wrote a song about it - "Life in the Fast Lane".

3. Don't be a douche if you know I am trying to merge.

Seriously. I know you see me. Just let me on the damn highway.

4. Only use the middle finger if the person SERIOUSLY deserves it.

Far too many times I have been minding my own business, listening to the radio, maybe belting out a note or two when all of a sudden a Volvo driver flies by me and gives me the bird and I have NO IDEA what I have done to deserve it. If you give me the finger - we should BOTH know what it was for. Otherwise how can I raise my hand and mutter an apathetic "my bad" that you can't hear?

5. If you can't parallel park, don't parallel park.

Friday night rush hour in downtown traffic is not the place to learn. If you can't do it - don't do it. Hell - they even have cars that will do it for you now. Spend the money and save us all the 2 hour wait as you give it "one more try".